Sinusoidal heart patterns

Ever felt desperate? The sensation of being lost in your path for life and not being able to do anything about it... You know the road you're on and where it's going to, whatever it is, 40 Acres Road, leading to St Thomas Hill, but that's not what I'm talking about! Think about another level of your mind, where there are other roads, roads you can walk down by striving with your desires, what you want for yourself. What do you see? Are there a million roads overlapping and confused, crazy, you've got a million possibilities but you just don't know which way to go. Or maybe, it's just one road, one barren road, that goes straight and you're gonna have to walk awhile before it gets to a split, then again, will it ever?... Does your mind ever wander to those places outside of time, which just go on into infinite horizons and you could stay forever if it weren't for reality. Are those places good for you? Do those times make you feel better, or do you come out of them more worried and scared?

Sometimes my heart plays tricks on me, making me feel needy of something I am not in need of. Feelings of limitation because of being alone, if I had a friend right next to me I could GO for it! That not being the case, I just stay in my room and regress to the stage of a vegetable, feeding on as much entertainement I can get until I get so bored I don't know what to do... How do you ever get to that cul-de-sac? You end up banging against the wall trying to keep going, but there is nowhere else to go! It is so easy though... Turn around, it is a short little road, make your way back and choose another street to go down!

"All men (and women) die but few men (or women) ever Live!"... Do you know what that means? Yesterday afternoon I was at the top of the university hill and the city was covered in fog while the sky was still blue, there was a hint of mist and frost down the grassy hill and I felt something powerful inside of me so great that I felt sad there was nowhere there with me I could share it with. Had I had a girl next to me right then, I would have taken it out on her lips! But there not being anyone, I did nothing and made my way home.
As I walked through my doorway, got a call from my buddy Andrew (He likes adventure)... We went out into the woods, walked in the wilderness. We were there after dark, in that fresh and earth-scented atmosphere. Up and down forest hills and on the border of field and forest... ! For me that is living.
That evening I was up, going through my lastest journal entries; I found a reminder... When I see the beauty of creation and am frustrated by the fact I have no one to share it with, God is sharing it with me and rejoices in seeing me excited about it, because I am appreciating His work...

Which brings me back to the first question: when I feel lost and alone, I have no one to blame but myself, because God is just burning to share my life with Him and everytime I do, He fulfils me a million times more than any relationship could! All those confused paths mean nothing, there is only one steady path, it is the path of the Lord, which holds in itself way, truth and life... All the paths you see are ultimately cul-de-sacs, only their lengths differ. You will go down a pathway and bang you head at the end of it. If it is a long pathway, it will be hard to go back, and painful. If you want a road with a destination, you are going to have to abandon all those other roads, to find the one road which will allow you to really live and in the end, take you home...