This morning, on my birthday… I felt like crap. It’s not the getting older which is the problem, but all the implications attached to that. The twenty-six year-old I am is not the twenty-six year-old I’d like to be. I’ve no career, am struggling to finish my master’s, have no wife, no children, no money, I still don’t perform my own music live; my dreams to become a great pastor are constantly being frustrated, I’m not well-thought of by some people in my own family, in my own church, even within my groups of friends; I still struggle with the same sins I did ten years ago; I’m still proud and arrogant, but filled with insecurities… I’m a certified underachiever. Plus, I had a headache.
Now, as I meditated on how rubbish I am, and spiralled into my own self-pity, I realised I wasn’t doing myself any favours, but I struggled to look up and seek guidance, also because of pride. As I prepared breakfast, my old housemate who is again staying with us for some time came up and we started talking. As we shared coffee and our personal struggles, I gradually realised once again… I am loved beyond my wildest dreams, by a God who knows all my weaknesses, all my filth, and yet is willing to constantly pour his love on me. What have I done to merit this?
Nothing.
That’s the gospel. Not even despite, but BECAUSE of my failure, my sin, my weakness, Jesus chose to save me. He chose to get involved with my muck and wipe the tears from my eyes. That’s grace… And I’m relying on it, for everything.
My joy is found not in my achievements, but in his achievements for me. As we meditated on our situations as well as on various complicated doctrines, we realised this is what we needed:
O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvellous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
O Israel, hope in the LORD
from this time forth and forevermore.
(Psalm 131 ESV)
… Closeness with our great father. So I must preach the gospel to myself again, because I need it more than ever.
