You crash into me

Have you ever heard a song so powerful and sensitive it could make you cry? I haven't had that experience in a while, especially since I haven't had the time to appreciate music lately. That's when you know something's wrong, when you can't spend some time and do the things you really like, have you forgotten what it's like to live? As opposed to that, living life fully is when you can sense the things that make you shiver, make your heart beat faster... everytime.

"The four right chords can make me cry"

There's a right moment to quote Third Eye Blind. This reminds me of something I have just seen lately, in a film called Good Will Hunting. Now those of you who are movie connaisseurs know it was the talk of the moment when it came out a few years ago. It took me a while before I saw it, then again, I notice as I grow and learn things about life and spirituality that when I watch films again after having seen them as a child or teenager, I perceive things about them which I did not in the time, years back. I saw this film a few years ago and yet I did not understand it talks about the truth of the life of every man in some form. It talks about life powerfully, reaches a level of spiritual perception without even touching the heavenly, it's impressive. There's a lot in it about dealing with the wounds and healing of the heart, in fact John Eldredge quotes a very powerful part of the film in Wild at Heart, a part which had me in tears watching the film.

There's another part in the film which is also very powerful, it is Robin Williams' monologue, and he does it well! But the screenplay, wow, it's completely... Outrageous! There's no words really, that is why here it is, read it carefully, get the flavour of it.

SEAN I thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting.
WILL Eah?
SEAN Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me, I fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and I haven't thought about you since. You know what occurred to me?
WILL No.
SEAN You're just a kid. You don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.
WILL Why thank you.
SEAN It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
WILL Nope.
SEAN So, if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written.
Michelangelo. You know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seen that.... If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. I ask you about war, you'd probably uh...throw Shakespeare at me, right?
"Once more into the breach, dear friends."
But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, and watched him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I ask you about love, y'probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable...known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you..who could rescue you from the depths of Hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, and to have that love for her be there forever. Through anything. Through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleepin' sittin' up in a hospital room for two months, holding her hand because the doctors could see in your eyes that the terms visiting hours don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. I look at you: I don't see an intelligent, confident man. I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius, Will. No one denies that. no one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine and ripped my fuckin' life apart. You're an orphan, right? Do you think I'd know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally, I don't give a shit about that, because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. And I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you, sport? You're terrified of what you might say.

Yeah, it's a bit long. But it's so beautiful... It really talks about the heart of man and it talks about being vulnerable and open to what can affect your emotions, your sensations, your soul.
It just makes me think, are you brave enough to risk living to the full, with all that it encompasses? Am I brave enough?... I think the choice doesn't take a huge amount of courage, but living it out does.
I see people who don't show any emotions, don't show any part of themselves; they put up their front, for one reason or another... When I see that, I'm so perplexed. The thought that comes to mind is: "Are you a real person? Who ARE you?" So many people do it, man I feel like I don't want to have anything to do with them. Men just talking about girls and drinking and stupid jokes, man I've seen that, show me something new. Anger bursts, defense barriers against one's style of life, emotional xenophobia. Those men want to appear tough, strong, unaffected, the thruth is they are hurt and that is the most cowardly thing to do. Melt into the crowd, be like everyone else, don't open up to anyone, for it is too dangerous.
The real danger is in living life like that, because before you know it, you're spiritually dead, a shell of a man, no more dreams, no more scope, just routine, sad life until finalised decay of the body. With that wisdom of the ages will come bitterness and regret. To go through life and be able to say, "I have no major regrets", will be a real achievement.
I want an encounter with life, a struggle, a race, be a wave crashing into the rocks on the beach.

And the song that did that for me today is a soft, sweet, tender, sensitive, suggestive tune, sung by Mr. Matthews, (I'll never be able to thank James Dacosta enough for being who he is and introducing me to the DMB) called Crash. Just hearing the chords being played round once makes my eyes water. It is a gorgeous song of love and sexuality, the care and the tenderness in it just makes me cry... To think God created music and what it can do to you and then to think about the way it has been cheapened, similarly to what Sean says in the film, people can know what music is, but man, have you ever been touched by the way that guy felt when he was writing this song, have you ever felt your heart well up when you were playing a tune on your own instrument, even if it was just on a random jam?

Take this away with you: are you brave enough to be vulnerable to life? A hint, knowing Jesus helps, you will be able to appreciate life so much better when you know that it has been rescued from hell, bought at a price so you could live...

Let's wake the dead!

Blogging is fun, but being away from a functional computer and internet for a long time is revelatory of many things, particularly how much more fun it is to write with pen and paper. Today is gorgeous and my shades are cool, it's good to walk around with the fresh air and all... I've been writing loads, still not as much as I would like, but it's great, I love it, I wish I could do this for the rest of my life!
My life will start fully when I'm done doing his horrible degree. I am going to be doing full time youth work and surviving by my own means and the Lord's grace. Finally doing something I enjoy 24 hours a day!

"The Glory of God is Man fully alive" St Iranaeus

That is what God chose, otherwise He would not have sent Jesus to the cross. I want to live life to the full and do all the things I want to do that are good for me. No longer will I do things out of the feeling that I need to please someone else. My quest for reality in myself continues. It is not easy, as I am inconsistent at times with my true self, but I seek to find consistency in my life towards who I really am and who I want to be!

Sorry for not making sense... It is a tough world sometimes, but I want to be stronger than it.

"Hey you, the kid is back and I must declare that the sun is shining" DC Talk

Poetry on a stick

Cycling is great, it gets your muscles moving, even strained, it takes you places quicker, it's always an enjoyable experience, even in the rain. Last week I went back to a place I absolutely love; it's at the edge of Canterbury, overlooking it all (or almost all), two huge fields, one next to the other, having inspired me many a time.
I felt it was appropriate to pick up my pen and let it touch paper.

Saturday, 26/03/2005

Last time I was here I had forgotten
how to write.
Questo paesaggio ispiratorio di storie e di poesie.
En ecrire un seul serait ne pas entendre.
So as verve and joy pours out of every pore of my body,
Posero la mia penna ed ascoltero,
Et je me fonderais dans cet instant duratoire.
Arigato... Gomennasai.

Dopo aver scritto questo pezzo, ho infatti posato la mia penna, ma dopo pochi minuti non ce la facevo.
J'avais fait quelquechose de nouveau, de la poesie courte et en ecrire seulement une aurait vraiment ete ne pas entendre tout ce qu'il y avait a entendre!
So...

26/03/2005

Have you ever tried writing
Short poetry?
It's not a bad idea.

26/03/2005

Row of trees,
less thick
in between natural woods.
As people walk through you romantically,
I see you from a hill many miles afar.
On the edge of the horizon,
What is there beyond?
Powerful in a strange way.
Gorgeous thing I never expected.
Maybe I'll visit you some day.

26/03/2005

Multivarious landscape.
On the edge of modern and progressivist "reality".
In your own corner of universe.
Medieval alive, lookout for the people,
turned towards the west.
Watch yourself at the eastern border,
where technological evil lies.

You really have to go there to see this stuff for yourself!!! It's a mindblowing set of mixed things, never see all of it the same day or the same way on a different day! Worth it... Word.

the role of a writer

You can tell someone is dry when they stop writing... I have been so busy lately, I have not been able to think about writing at all! I have recently been inspired to start writing again though, thanks to my old mate Andrew, the man who sparks my desire to compose rhetoric. And that is the role of the writer! To inspire, to arouse the imagination and the passion of the people who are around him. I want to inspire other people into expressing themselves, I know a few people who have been inspired! That is such a reward, someone telling you, "Hey, your writing has really inspired me to write!". Then you discover their writing talent and you feel small! I also want to inspire people into searching God and getting to know Him (the best thing someone can do with his/her life!). I know that some people are being inspired by that but, I don't exactly know how many, who and how! I hope that I will increasingly be inspiring more people to follow Jesus Christ. That is just down to me obeying God, though: Yesterday I started the "Young men's breakfast discipleship group" let's call it that for the moment, I like that name, but we won't always be having breakfast, what's more someone had objections to the "Young men" bit, associating it to the Village People's classic "Young man, you don't have to be sad, I say young man!", let's not dwell on that for too long! It went fantastically well, I prepared a huge breakfast at Geoff's house for these five fifteen to eighteen year old boys, plus Geoff and I. The aim of this first meeting was to challenge them as to knowing their identity in Christ and living holy lives in their schools. The aim of the group is for the boys to grow to further spiritual maturity and to grow closer as a band of brothers in Christ! We want them to know we are always available for them, to spend time with them when things are hard, we know what it is like to be Christians at school, we took so much crap for it! But this group is not a place where I will preach to them. I want them to discuss, to make their minds up about things, to make their way towards maturity, in the end all I can do is give them some direction.
It's weird, I felt like my my older brother (in law) yesterday and I'm getting that feeling right now, that is good though, I am moving towards excited full time ministry!

I have so many things I want to write about, as well as so many writing projects started/to be finished and then there is coursework! Not much left of that, thank God, but still quite a bit to think about! I have been writing a few songs lately, when I have been able to pick up my guitar... First gig almost booked, 7th of May we might have a twenty minute set at Local Hero Records, Canterbury! We'll be doing some Deftones, Blindside, our own stuff hopefully and some ska if possible! More surprises to be discovered! We hope to play at Keynestock too next term (lame name for our university battle of the bands!), probably doing the same set, maybe altering it a little for the fun of it and for the people who will see us at both... These are going to be the first real rock gigs EVER as a member of my own band!!!!! I am so excited I could shout! But I'm in the computer room of the library and that would not be appropriate, so I won't.

I'll try and post a bit more this month, I've picked up notebook and pen (and keyboard!) by the way, for those of you who did not realise, so I am writing again and hopefully getting something nice down on paper! Ciao!

lyrics from someone else

Nara

Hennes hjärta slog hårdare för varje sekund
Skalet höll emot som aldrig förut
En vägran till var allt detta har sin grund
Skalet höll emot men stora bucklor buktar ut

Inte nu, kanske senare och aldrig förut
Som en blomma som aldrig slagit ut
Om en längtan som aldrig fött ett beslut
Om en längtan som aldrig tagit slut

Med fötterna så långt under markytan
Och ändå bärare av ett rotlöst hjärta
För svårt att ta sig upp och ändå veta
Att skönhet kommer ur smärta

Och jag önskar jag kunde dra dig upp därifrån
Men ingen annan utom den ende kan
Och jag önskar jag kunde dra dig upp därifrån
Min tunga kan aldrig klä i ord att min låga är sann

Och jag ska aldrig mer vara rädd att visa mig vek
Aldrig mer med hot försöka bevisa min kärlek

Så låt dig träffas i hjärtat låt det blöda
Om jag kunde skulle jag ta tillbaks de ord som var döda
Om hans liv fick bli din föda
Om ditt hjärta fick blöda
Försök inte vinna tid
För jag ser ingenting av den varan
Trots att jag kommer att stå kvar där jag är

Vilket val du än tar
Står jag kvar

Möt mig vid fridsfurstens fötter
Jag har ingenting utom det som är mina rötter
Möt mig på knä framför hans fötter

Close

Her heart was beating harder for every second
The shell was holding up like never before
A refusal to where all this has it's foundation
The shell hold up, but big dents bulge

Not now, maybe later and never before
Like a flower that never blossomed
About a longing that never given birth to a decision
About a longing that never ended

With the feet so far below the ground surface
And yet carrier of a rootless heart
Too hard to get up and still knowing
That beauty comes out of pain

And I wish I could pull you up from there
But no one else than The Only One can
And I wish I could pull you up from there
My tongue can never dress in words that my flame is true

And I shall never again be afraid of showing my weak self
Never again with threat try to prove my love

So let yourself get hit in the heart, let it bleed
If I could I would take back the words that were dead
If you could be fed through His life
If your heart would bleed
Whatever choice you make
I remain
Meet me at the feet of the Prince of Peace
I have nothing except what are my roots
Meet me on your knees before His feet

A Poem on request

The problem with blogging the day after having published a new post is that I'm afraid people will only read the latest one and not look further down, when I actually wrote something yesterday which I would like everyone to read. I wish I knew when people went on my blog, but didn't quite understand how to put a counter on the site, but hey! The important thing is that I am writing!
Today I got a text from Wit: "Hi Joey Poo, I'm a bit short of material for Passion magazine. Any chance you could e-mail me a love poem today?"... Wait a second, is she asking ME to provide a love poem for the magazine (It being Valentine's Day coming up soon, a time of year which I actually despise, not just because I have been single every valentine's day of my life but also because it is a pagan excuse for guys not to be loving and galant to their woman all the other 364 1/4 days of the year!)? Right now? Can I do that? What a question, of course I will!!! I have never written stuff like this on demand, and would die before I saw my art sell out into some cheap poetry but it's quite amazing when people start requesting your stuff like that! The is, it's all gotta be from the heart. So I went to work writing a poem. I normally write when I am inspired, but this time I had to be inspired to have writing material. The stuff I write isn't in rhymes and sonnets or whatever is conventional, but I felt I should try and write something people could relate to, still making it non-cheesy and genuine. Now, what inspires me?... Who inspires me?! Using my muse I wrote a draft of a poem about her, then typed it out and re-reading it each time brought corrections to it, finalising it into a 14 syllable per verse poem with rhymes, except towards the end, where I put a stanza of randomness, my usual stylee! Here it is for your reading pleasure. Make sure you read yesterday's post too though!...

08/02/2005

You don’t know, God blesses me

It’s not the way you smiled at me when I first caught your eye,
It’s not the way you moved and talked that made me trip on wire.
The interest I had in your excited expressive moods
Was blown up by your vocal strings, which make you now my muse.

Now I notice all about you
Every time I see you.
The way you dress, faces you make
Make me appreciate you.

And God just makes me wonder,
Why would He awaken,
The things that for so long
To put asleep in me had taken?

In you I see some colours
Which I’ve never seen before.
You’re special and you’re crazy,
But you’ve got oh, so much more.

So many things of yours
Leave me curious and charmed.
I cannot make sense of them
I just look up and think “Hmm…?”

Dark hair, gorgeous eyes,
Voice of an Angel
Whether speaking or singing
Walk by and I am caught in your movement
That’s what it’s like being near you.

God, He can be so random,
But beautiful for that.
I’ll seek you out and fail,
Then cross you just like that.

When the Lord comes in my mind
Everything falls into place.
Everything He does
Makes me smile and know his Grace.

Well it’s by Him that I can have
These absurd feelings for you.
And by His Grace that I could share
This morning dawn beside you.

The End. (It doesn't actually say the end at the end!)

Music in the house

Aah, February! The time when snow is at its best in Switzerland and France, smooth and full of character! Too bad I'm not there riding it, but here in the library computer room, writing about it! No today is a good day, the sun is shining quite beautifully and the sky is blue without a single shade of cloud as far as I can see! It's rare not to have to wear a coat on at this time of year, but I am walking with only a hoodie (that's a jumper with a hood for those of you who are learning english) and my cool sunglasses which do not look in the least pretentious! My cd player is bust so I can't listen to the array of great music I have at my disposal: Verdi, Tchaikovskij, Village People, Phatfish... I have been listening to an album recently which is really quite fantastic. It's an EP, so just a short demo with four tracks on it, but the quality of the songs is just astounding. They are all acoustic songs with lovely harmonies and lyrics, really pretty, poured out of the heart of a twenty year-old young lady! I can take personal pride in plugging this album even though unauthorised to do so by the author, as the word intends to indicate, but I advise you all to get a copy of it. It is entitled: "Imperfect and raw, but myself" and the artist is a certain Jeanne Ruegg. She is my sister and therefore you might say I am biased in my critique of her album, and you may be right! BUT, everutime I have had people over and made them listen to it their feedback has been very positive, so I think I can definitely say that this album is a beautiful cooking pot of passion and poetry, no kidding!
I gotago to a lecture now, but if you happen to meet Jeanne, ask her about her cd, and please don't make her use up all her cds, she's been too generous up until now!! Ciao!

A Voice Was Heard

... God does not change.
... We need to.

Losing your sense of security to God is what I wrote of last time. Your sense of comfort, God will shake you from it, because before we meet wih God we are all slaves to sin and Jesus sets us free. But even though I gave my life to Him many years ago, there are still many things I need to let go of. Part of becoming an adult is learning to make responsible choices, to start living entirely independently. Having been financially dependent all my life, never having had a real job except for youth work and a bit of manual labour, I find myself in a quite difficult position when it comes to making that choice. There are of course, other factors which hinder me, not having a stable base anywhere in the world. I would not mind to keep studying, but I have to change my area of study, move on into something which I can appreciate more, even though economics is fascinating in some parts. The thing is, I don't know what I want to study for the moment, but I do know one thing.

Last week-end, five youth workers went from Canterbury to Sherwood Forest (yes, Robin Hood's woods!). In that place was held a conference on Christian Youth Work hosted by Newfrontiers. Over 400 other youth workers were there, easily. They didn't learn the five steps to becoming a better youth worker, nor the formula for increasing the numbers in their youth groups. Their attention was brought to the focus of their work, which is very often the way youth work starts out, then is lost to a prioritisation of other goals. This focus is Jesus. I don't know if all who read this will understand, so I will explain: the size of the youth group one is leading does not matter; its level of "coolness" does not matter; what matters is that what we are bringing into the meetings is Jesus; how do we do that? By preaching the gospel. The other things will follow; we could have the best venue for fun events and have a hundred teenagers coming to these meetings, but if we do not teach Jesus, our work means nothing. We're just another party on earth. You see, when our perspective is redirected towards God's, success is not attained by having the coolest youth group in town, nor the biggest, success is appearing before the throne of God and Him saying, at the end of our life "Well done, my good and faithful servant!".

I was one of those five youth workers, and not only did we receive awesome teaching on the gospel, God spoke to each of us individually. One thing I was reminded of, is that I don't need to make that choice of what to do next year. God has already done it for me, but what I need to do is to submit once again to God, submit all, leaving my sense of security, my fear of not being able to sustain myself and failing. There was a reason for me being at that conference and there is a reason why the Lord made His presence felt so much (and He did, oh He did!). I could have gone there and remain unchanged, but I was not unchanged, I was shaken.

... If God asks me to work with the Church for the rest of my life, I am willing to do that... It would not even be a big sacrifice! It would be the best adventure I could ever have! But I WILL live a life of sacrifice for Him, no one can stop me from doing that... Because I love Him. But also, because I know He loves me far more... He is building me up to be a man, and He will never let me fall!

I wish you all a good life, I don't know what mine holds, but I know it' s in the most capable
hands there are...

"Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

Falling purposefully...!

Needless to say, after that I have had a good week (see previous post, in fact, see all posts!)...

This is a sort of adding on to an even older post, but not that old, in fact the previous post I just wrote five minutes ago, right, Joey, write like a writer, not like a punk! So... I wanted to edit "Sinusoidal Heart Patterns", but I thought no one would notice, so I will write a new post... I do believe that this is a theme going through much of what I write anyway, eventually I will give a definition of what it means!

Job. Relationship. Position in society. Degree. Going the right way. There's more in this direction. Fulfilled? Are these things not just there to keep you busy from thinking about the splinter in your toe? You think that the way of success will quench this desire for more, yet the closer you get, the more you realise your thirst is not being quenched. Something is wrong... Make the right gamble and get rocketed to the top. The Problem is that at the top, you are limited. There's no place higher to go. The only way is downhill from there. And downhill it is... Drugs, alcohol, sex, oh take me into the realms of decadence. Boredom of life, make it sweeter for me.
We are not perfect, the people around us are not perfect, one way or another in your life you have been harmed. You try to forget about it and build your life. Sense of security is the most important to people in this society. What happens when on your trip you trip? Lose your balance, fall down the stairs, it hurts.

23Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. 25What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?” Luke 9:23-25

This is the punchline. Living for ourselves is useless. We will die and not be remembered. If you try and save yourself in all the ways you can, you will be left alone, sad, angry, miserable... Why would you hoard up as many riches and as much success as you can to then find yourself the richest person in the graveyard? Sooner or later, the ground behind your feet will be missing. How about going against the norm, accepting this and taking a fall. Losing your sense of security could be the best thing you ever do, you're going to fall, fall, fall... And then you will be caught.
Into the arms of the Lord Jesus Christ. This is the answer to the question. This is without a doubt, the life you've always wanted. Think about it...

The Lord will restore his people...

Feeling creative...

Well, I walked into the chapel last week, because I wanted to pray, it is never easy getting back together with God.
When you have not connected with Him in a while you suddenly feel, when you're trying to pray, that you don't know Him that well anymore, you feel distant. That is the worst feeling... You feel you've blown it, that the greatest thing you had, that kept you going is now gone. The truth is, no matter how many times I've blown it, I have always been able to reconnect with God, it just takes a little perseverance! The Lord will not turn his back on you, it's not in His nature. He COULD never, even if He wanted to, it's not in his promises. But He can make you feel bad, to make you realise your life is meaningless without Him, because that's what it is!
Upon entering eliot chapel, I saw a Bible open on the table near the window. I dumped my bag in a corner and walked over to it. The first thing I saw on the open page of this spiritual magnet that is the Word of God, was Psalm 103. I left the Bible where it was, got my own out of my sack and sat onto the sofa. Going through each verse I got more into God, each line being like a new degree of His Glory. Meditating on each verse was a mission, my eyes being opened at every stop. It took me a while to go through the while of it, though it is not that long, but the weight of every verse had to be felt and led me to think about other things, about how I had been living over the past weeks. The final three verses were a sprint of growing momentum, Glorifying the Lord, finishing as it started with the verse which is such a mystery but I caught a glimpse of it then and there... And when I finished it, I read it all over again!

Psalm 103
Of David. 1 Praise the LORD , O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD , O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD , you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD , all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD , all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD , O my soul.

Going... Home?

I don't know about you, but there are moments in life, when I'm alone, in which I can actually hear myself think! Did you ever notice that even when you are alone most times, your thoughts are so confused that they are just a bundle of murmurs which are supposed to help you deal with your problems. Do they?... Maybe that's just me, anyway, when you don't have troubles on your mind, that, in my opinion, is when you have hope, for you can actually look around and see. What do you see?...

01/01/2005
Sul treno Grosseto – Orbetello

On the train, going… somewhere.
This sweet and gentle rocking
Brings some sort of peace,
Even though my eyes are tired
And my body slumped.
Appearing and disappearing as I go
A hundred scenes each with
Its own loveliness, playing
Notes and chords to me.
The sites of this land,
So simple, yet so charming.
Vine-filled green hills
Take the shape of a
Voluptuous woman laying.
Little crops of trees still thinking
It’s fall on this first day of the year
Add colourfulness.
Lone roads and lone rivers, leading to
Oh!… A cottage not far from the railway and
Sigh… Miles on…
Rows of cypresses, always leaving me
Quizzical and enchanted.
Never a bad idea…
Have you been there…?
I’d like to…
It’s a show you watch
As the train calmly goes.
Can you reach it?
Wouldn’t that be nice
Miles of land without seeing a man.
I feel I’m one day late,
That this is the last day of the year
And tomorrow new things initiate,
But I guess that’s just an impression,
It gets me more than once,
It’s just… a feeling.
Our hearts don’t follow calendars,
Except on the moment in special occasions.
They make their own beginnings and ends,
With the things that happen to us,
With the way we grow
With what we learn…
My hat is my cushion,
Hoping this train takes me to a place I can call home.

Sul treno, direzione… qualche luogo.
Questo cullare dolce e tranquillo
Ispira una specie di pace
Sebbene i miei occhi siano stanchi
Ed il mio corpo sbragato.
Appaiono e scompaiono andando
Cento viste, ognuna con
La propria delicatezza suonandomi
Note e corde.
I paesaggi di questa terra
Così semplici, ma così attraenti.
Le verdi colline coperte di vigne
Sono le curve di una vergine voluttuosa versata
Alcuni gruppi di alberi pensano che sia
Ancora autunno questo primo dell’anno,
rendendo tutto più colorito.
Strade solitarie e solitari fiumi che portano fino a
Oh!… Una casetta non lontana dalla ferrovia ed
Sospiro… Chilometri più in là…
File di cipressi, che mi lasciano sempre
Curioso ed incantato.
Non sono mai una cattiva idea…
Ci sei mai stato?
A me piacerebbe…
È una pellicola che scorre
Mentre il treno se ne va.
Ci puoi arrivare?
Non sarebbe bello?…
Estese di terra senza vedere anima umana.
Mi sembra di avere un giorno di ritardo,
che oggi sia l’ultimo dell’anno,
e domani nuove cose incominceranno.
Dev’essere soltanto un’impressione,
mi succede ogni tanto,
non è altro che… un sentimento.
I nostri cuori non seguono i calendari
A parte sul momento, per occasioni speciali.
Si fanno i loro propri inizi e fini,
dalle cose che ci capitano,
dal modo in cui cresciamo,
da quello che impariamo…
Mio cappello mi fa da cuscino,
Speriamo che questo treno mi porti in un posto che io possa chiamare casa…

Questo sono io… Questa è la mia vita.

Sinusoidal heart patterns

Ever felt desperate? The sensation of being lost in your path for life and not being able to do anything about it... You know the road you're on and where it's going to, whatever it is, 40 Acres Road, leading to St Thomas Hill, but that's not what I'm talking about! Think about another level of your mind, where there are other roads, roads you can walk down by striving with your desires, what you want for yourself. What do you see? Are there a million roads overlapping and confused, crazy, you've got a million possibilities but you just don't know which way to go. Or maybe, it's just one road, one barren road, that goes straight and you're gonna have to walk awhile before it gets to a split, then again, will it ever?... Does your mind ever wander to those places outside of time, which just go on into infinite horizons and you could stay forever if it weren't for reality. Are those places good for you? Do those times make you feel better, or do you come out of them more worried and scared?

Sometimes my heart plays tricks on me, making me feel needy of something I am not in need of. Feelings of limitation because of being alone, if I had a friend right next to me I could GO for it! That not being the case, I just stay in my room and regress to the stage of a vegetable, feeding on as much entertainement I can get until I get so bored I don't know what to do... How do you ever get to that cul-de-sac? You end up banging against the wall trying to keep going, but there is nowhere else to go! It is so easy though... Turn around, it is a short little road, make your way back and choose another street to go down!

"All men (and women) die but few men (or women) ever Live!"... Do you know what that means? Yesterday afternoon I was at the top of the university hill and the city was covered in fog while the sky was still blue, there was a hint of mist and frost down the grassy hill and I felt something powerful inside of me so great that I felt sad there was nowhere there with me I could share it with. Had I had a girl next to me right then, I would have taken it out on her lips! But there not being anyone, I did nothing and made my way home.
As I walked through my doorway, got a call from my buddy Andrew (He likes adventure)... We went out into the woods, walked in the wilderness. We were there after dark, in that fresh and earth-scented atmosphere. Up and down forest hills and on the border of field and forest... ! For me that is living.
That evening I was up, going through my lastest journal entries; I found a reminder... When I see the beauty of creation and am frustrated by the fact I have no one to share it with, God is sharing it with me and rejoices in seeing me excited about it, because I am appreciating His work...

Which brings me back to the first question: when I feel lost and alone, I have no one to blame but myself, because God is just burning to share my life with Him and everytime I do, He fulfils me a million times more than any relationship could! All those confused paths mean nothing, there is only one steady path, it is the path of the Lord, which holds in itself way, truth and life... All the paths you see are ultimately cul-de-sacs, only their lengths differ. You will go down a pathway and bang you head at the end of it. If it is a long pathway, it will be hard to go back, and painful. If you want a road with a destination, you are going to have to abandon all those other roads, to find the one road which will allow you to really live and in the end, take you home...

Making melody in our hearts...

Here we are, a month since the last blog, sorry I'm not more like our good friend Patruchio with his verve of madness and emotion, who keeps writing like a very inspired writer regularly, anyway, here I am, and it's been a good week.
Ciao a tutti! E da un pezzo che non scrivo, ma non disperate, sono vivo e vegeto, nella mia pazza vita studentesca, che quest'anno mi entusiasma piu che mai! Quando avro finito gli studi, forse scrivero piu spesso, anzi regolarmente, sarebbe favoloso riuscire in quanto scrittore!!! Comunque...

Three nights ago, a night of excitement and new things happened, gathering people from all places and backgrounds to an event of special nature: an Open Stage performance night.
Arriving in this mystical yet cozy place, fairies flying around giving light to the stage and a colourful banner acknowleging the event, My companion and I saw our journey halt as we walked in. Actors doing a short play, a young girl one of the main actors, daughter of a great man and woman of God! Our friends from different places had been brought to this place and joined in our celebration.
The evening proceeded to be one of joy, excitement and laughter as each act went on. There was music, poetry, even the stupefying tunes of a beatboxer from the town of Londinium "Pum Pum Csh! Pum P-Pum Csh Wicky!", quite amazing!
The francophonic connection brought a great performance, a Genevoise singing and playing guitar with a Valencienne backing vocals, singing a song I had not heard before and loved!!!
A young economist was on and off, backing singers with his guitar and singing his own song too!
A heavenly creature in disguise eventually visited to give an idyllic singing performance, while a silent interpreter beautifully signed it.
We were not the only strangers, all were foreigners, all were friends. Companies of men like ours went forth to sing and strum. A wandering big dark man with a powerful voice brought to life two memorably powerful songs.
Two fantastic choirs gave brilliant and note perfect performances.
All the way through, people were bringing their poetic skills to the ears of the spectators:
There was a bizarre but comic Dutch extravaganza, where this young gentleman, like the majority of people who are not from Britannia noted how astonishing it is to see the British, a people so strangely wired (obviously, not half as strangely as the Latin) , line up in a polite queue everywhere he went! He also brought a poem about soap-operas and the bubbles ensuing from old ladies' mouths as they talk about them! Not all understood this gentleman, but I respected him for his light-hearted humour and his courage in walking upstage in a potentially hostile place, expressing his humble views, in a humble way...
We had romantic poems, dramatic poems, mythologic ones too! What a night to remember!
People who had never performed before were given the strength to step up and sing their hearts out without being put down, rather being encouraged by all. The Lord truly had His Hand over this night!
A young lady from across the sea sang her songs with a gentle and sweet sound coming from her lips, another brought her songs forth with determination and professionality.
Andrew from the clan McPoo, renown for his curious yet virtuous ideas and writings rendered the written accounts of an angry watermelon and with the help of our company and other fellows, splattered the same watermelon across the floor, having everyone in fits of laughter!
When our turn came to play, we just abandoned ourselves to the flow of the music, making melody in our hearts, singing of our Lord and Saviour and heart, my comrade's strings ringing across the room as if carried by a warm wind, vibrating into listener's nerves and ears and I, singing, being transported to louder and higher notes, passion increasing, waves of the Spirit touching us inspiring us as we went and touching the spectators...!

The place was left empty at the end of this celebration of gifts, fairies scattering, awaiting the next time they would guide these wanderers to a place where they can share their words and music with kindred spirits...

(Remembering the CPAS Open Mic night, Monday 22 November 2004, Mungo's bar, thanks so much, we were so blessed by it!)

The Name of God

I AM WHO I AM! That is his name, "Before Abraham was, I AM!".

God is pretty clear when he speaks, yup! He will not let his people doubt him. He has made promises and he chooses to fulfil them to bring glory to himself. He chooses to tie himself down to demonstrate his perfection and his awesomeness and to come out more glorious out of every situation. His names are elements of his character and each one is fundamentally and infinitely true about him.
God is infinite, therefore we cannot take "infinite" out of any attribute of God's. Because of that it is also impossible to understand and know God fully as we are here, since we are finite beings, unlike him.
God is eternal. That means He lives outside of time, there was never a time when God was not and there will never be a moment when God will cease to be! He is not subject to time, He has no age, He sees time as a whole thing, but He chooses to act within time, for his own glory. How awesome will it be when time ends and Jesus will come down form heaven and judge the living and the dead!
God is omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent, which means, everywhere, all-knowing and all-powerful. Yet, He cannot do anything, because He cannot act outside of His perfection.
In the names which are God's in the Bible is contained His infinite character...

Yahweh is His name. That is what "I AM WHO I AM" means.
The names given Him are the following:
Yahweh Jireh = The Lord will Provide
Yahweh Rapha = The Lord heals
Yahweh Nissi = The Lord is my Banner
Yahweh Shalom = The Lord is Peace
Yahweh Tsidikeinu = The Lord is our Righteousness

And he is infinitely all of those!...

Once upon a time, there was a poet in a Cafe...

It's funny how things happen in life, like how you get accepted to a specific university and it just changes your life to go there, or how you notice an unusual extra nice flavour in your mocha in the morning in Mungo's bar, maybe because the girl serving you likes you (that's what you'd like to think) or maybe just because inadvertedly she put an extra dose of chocolate, or you woke up with your taste buds particularly active.
It's also funny, when something which lies deep inside of you is awoken and shaken by something that changes in the air...
It doesn't happen only once in your lifetime, though it can be a rare thing, but the one time I want to tell of happened to me in May of this year (2004), when I was just enjoying my cappuccino on the first floor of Nero's in the High Street of Canterbury (I'm certain, this town has something special about it!!!) , reading some book, probably studying really hard (oh yeah...!*) ; then a girl walks in, nothing in particular that catches my attention, she sits on the other side of the room, I keep doing whatever I'm doing, suddenly I look up and, ah! There is something special about this girl, probably the same thing that is in every woman, the thing that can just charm a man and change his perspective in a fraction of a second/eternity (sorry if I do that, I just thought of something that sounds and looks good). And I start writing; this is what I saw...

Cafe Nero, Canterbury, 25/05/2004

Girl in the Cafe

On your own, twiddling your finger
through your thick dark curly hair
Absent-mindedly looking out of the window
into this sunny day, where below us
people walk along the main street.
It feels like on this busy day in town,
God's eyes just homed onto your pretty face,
for when I turned to look at you,
it caught my attention like some great painting
by some great artist, in a museum.

Je me demande a quoi tu pensais en attendant tes amies,
mais meme si ce n'etait a rien, tes yeux intenses
semblaient concentres sur quelquechose captivant,
comme le ciel ensoleille, reflete dans la profondeur de tes yeux.
Et quand ta compagnie te joignit et tu commencas a causer en anglais,
ton joli accent francais me fit sourire et fremir.
Meme quand tu te ronges les ongles je trouve cela attrayant,
tu es tellement naturelle mais tellement speciale!
Ta chemise foncee a manches larges te definit
comme la couleur et forme de petales definissent une fleur,
t'es un peu "hippie" et "alternative", n'est-ce pas?
En ecrivant ceci, je pense a combien j'aimerais
te passer discretement de melange confus d'idees
(j'ai peu de temps mais chaque chose que tu fais m'inspire),
mais je n'en aurais jamais le courage.
Donc, tu sors du cafe et de ma vue, mais je suis heureux
d'avoir ecrit ce portrait, car j'ai pu t'apprecier
plus que beaucoup d'autres hommes qui t'ont connue!


The first verse is the picture I saw, then I kept being inspired, couldn't stop writing, sorry for those monolinguists, I'll translate the rest when I publish it! Or you can just ask me for it in English if you want it! All my poems are in working progress, I just brought changes to this one as I was typing, when I read them I often see more potential in them! The point is, that in that moment, the poet inside of me took power, for a moment and I was transported into this flow of words and ideas. So whatever it is inside of you, don't repress it, don't be afraid of criticism, don't be ashamed, you will have tried, while those who criticise will just have air, their hearts are made of stone. Have a good experience; it's funny... (sigh)





Thanks Liam, Dodge and Tom.



(Je pourrais en faire une oeuvre pointilliste, on dirait un Van Gogh!)